


Message History

by hunterinabrowncoat



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Gen, Trans, Trans Tom Paris, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 08:25:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13477563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunterinabrowncoat/pseuds/hunterinabrowncoat
Summary: Short 800 word drabble about Actual Trans Man, Tom Paris' difficult relationship with his father.





	Message History

**Author's Note:**

> Content warnings: transphobia, grief

The first time Owen Paris used his son’s real name was after he’d broken the news of his mom’s death. He stumbled over syllables and pronouns uncomfortably to show that he cared. Somehow it was different now that Helen was gone - it seemed more important to get it right now. But the words sounded foreign coming from him, as though unwelcome in his mouth, and it was an empty gesture against years of misunderstanding and deliberate misgendering.

That night Tom spent hours in his room, destroying everything he could get his hands on. Eventually, he collapsed against the back of his locked door, sobbing so hard that he could feel his binder cutting into his ribs. He felt like he was suffocating, perhaps because he was. The whole world was closing in on him and nothing mattered anymore - not the shattered models of ancient ships of every kind that he’d spent months building, which lay strewn across his floor; not the ripped curtains his mother had made by hand; not even the calls of his father from downstairs. The only thing that remained untouched was a picture of his mother and himself as a young child, that he clutched tight in his hands as tears dripped from his raw, flushed face onto the glass, until it distorted the image so much he could barely make out her face.

Tom spent most of the summer in that room - always alone, and usually crying. His father decided to take a leave of absence from his duties at Star Fleet “to be with his family during this difficult time”, but it only made things worse. When Tom wasn’t crying, he was usually shouting, and he didn’t get a good reception.

His dad seemed to think that more discipline was needed. He didn’t like seeing his child like this - no matter what the kid’s gender. And so it became a mantra in that house - ‘crying is a sign of weakness’. If he had a son, then he was going to have a son he could be proud of - a Real Man. He was going to join Star Fleet Academy, and emerge a well-rounded, ambitious, disciplined and fine young man to fulfil all of his father’s dreams.

Tom learned pretty quickly to move his crying to the privacy of his room and bury his emotions. Vulnerability was weakness. He was a Real Man now, with all that that implied. He learned to hide what he was, who he was - nobody needed to know. He wouldn’t let anybody think him less of a man. He was going to make his dad proud.

When he made that mistake, and three men died, he only had one choice… How could his dad be proud of him with the blood of three crew-members on this hands? Mistakes wouldn’t be tolerated. Like crying, they were a sign of weakness. His father never taught him that, but he didn’t have to - Tom was learning quick.

When he received his dishonourable discharge his dad wouldn’t even look at him. So to hell with Owen Oh-So-Great Admiral Paris. To hell with Star Fleet. To hell with everything. Being a Real Man meant making your own decisions. So he chose the one thing that would piss off his father the most.

The Marquis were everything he needed - they fought against Star Fleet and their morally superior attitude. He found a cause. He was never going to be what his dad wanted him to be, so why not be everything else instead? Rebellious, devious, freedom-fighter, criminal.

…A failure? He couldn’t even rebel properly. Caught on his first assignment - it didn’t look impressive; it didn’t look like a cause. It just looked pathetic.

He hadn't heard a word from his father since the day he ran off to join the Marquis. Admiral Paris didn’t attend the trial, but Tom hardly expected any different. And as chance would have it, he didn’t hear from his father until he was half way across the galaxy. By that time almost 8 years had passed since they’d last spoken. The words came through the com system fuzzy and distorted, but they hit home crystal clear:

“Tell him I miss him. And I’m proud of him.”

He’d been so afraid to hear from his dad after all this time he couldn’t even face reading his letter. Tom was a different man now - what would he even think of his son? On Voyager he’d found a family - people who really cared about him and showed it. He felt more at home here than he ever had back on Earth. He learned more on Voyager than he ever did at home or in Star Fleet Academy. He’d learned that vulnerability made him human, not weak, and that this family didn’t think him any less of a man for being transgender.

Maybe, it seemed, his dad had finally learned it too.


End file.
